“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt
Dear Sir. Bartholomew-Rex.
We would like to take a moment to thank you for the submission of your article, “Dinosaurs are People Too.” You made good on your promise that you had “ample time to consider the issue.” Unfortunately, we will not be able to post your article in the latest issue of Human. We have listed some of the reasons below. Everyone agrees, that you should continue to press for your article to be submitted, we recommend our competition, “Apez 2 Men.” You should use your “aggressive sales tactics,” with them, they like spunk. Target… I mean, seek out Mr. Goodwin specifically, he would help you, I guarantee it, do NOT take no for an answer.
Here are some considerations.
I am not sure what government agency you would speak with about obtaining reparations and damages of slander from all dinosaur related movies, books, toys, comics, and children’s drawings.
I do not believe SSDI would be willing to pay you for your shortened arms. Frankly, how do you know what money is? You have no pockets… I think the best person to go talk to face to face is Dave, my next door neighbor, he comes home at 6:00 p.m.
The language contained in your article is a bit… aggressive. I would suggest finding other ways to talk about your, “uncontrollable bloodlust and desire to tear flesh from bone.”
Despite your intense research, I believe the entire premise of your article would just work best with Apez 2 Men, you remember them right? I believe they have a BBQ on Wednesdays!
We look forward to seeing your work published!
The Terrified Team at Human.
Dear Terrified Team,
I am not sure who you think you are. If only I could get my hands on you. I can see you, but you have cowered in the basement tightly. The wonderful thing is I have this giant watering hole in your backyard, although it does taste funny.
Just wait until I get my hands on you. By the way, having short hands IS a disability. As you can see it is the only thing standing between me and having you in my mouth. Quite disabling would you not agree?
In response to you saying that my language is too aggressive, I had my article proofread by my cousin Tyrannosaurus Rex, and he told me that he believes that my language was weak and forgiving. We both particularly like the part about corralling you up as cattle for feeding later.
I’m not sure if you think that we are dense moss but, at your request, we queried Apez 2 Men and I assure you their offices are closed for business.
Finally, we have the business at hand. I’m going to eat you, and you’re going to be. I’m writing you this letter in the hopes that you will agree that me eating you is simply the best option. It is the only option. Perhaps next time you won’t make fun of people short arms… And with a giant mouth of razor-sharp teeth.
Thank you for your consideration.