Reverie of the sinking of the USSBT

What a weird feeling. I just read an article that says Gulf War Illness is indeed caused by physical damage to the brain. This should be a vindication that what we have been told is a mental thing, psychological, not physical. However, it gives me dread, because it means something is indeed wrong with my brain.

Link to article

I always hoped that I was injured. Cannot explain why. I don’t want to think that way. That is why it is called a mental illness. People have fucked brains. Welcome to mine.

Many veterans have had difficulties getting benefits and treatment for a service-connected condition because doctors assumed they were either faking it or suffering from post-traumatic stress. “That’s a problem with all physicians — VA, military or civilian,” Baraniuk said. “If it doesn’t fall within their small world of known diseases, then the patient is nuts.”

To give more context though, it has always been terrifying that it was something that I was doing. Maybe just not being strong enough. Agent Orange said that we, “just couldn’t handle it.” Weak. A coward. Someone craving attention. A bitch.

All those people that told me they, “knew,” I was faking.

Many veterans have had difficulties getting benefits and treatment for a service-connected condition because doctors assumed they were either faking it or suffering from post-traumatic stress. “That’s a problem with all physicians — VA, military or civilian,” Baraniuk said. “If it doesn’t fall within their small world of known diseases, then the patient is nuts.”

Hell, even my own biological delivery unit told me I was a pussy for wanting to kill myself because I had, “no reason to be upset.” So yeah… Again, welcome.

So having it be actual damage that can be proven is a vindication. But, now I know it is physical damage. And from the looks of things, it is all downhill. Most of the 1991 Gulf War have deteriorated. Not something I am looking forward to. But my body already feels it is what I assume is the normal way at 50.

My knees ache.

But I always said I am glad I didn’t do X because I would be more damaged. But my wife told me that it doesn’t matter because I did the same exact thing,

Even being very aware of myself, I am still tortured under the feelings I have of shame that I rationally understand is not needed. But that does not change anything. Physical problem. I wonder if other people can even grasp what it is like. Everyone experiences a movie or book in our own way.

Many veterans have had difficulties getting benefits and treatment for a service-connected condition because doctors assumed they were either faking it or suffering from post-traumatic stress. “That’s a problem with all physicians — VA, military or civilian,” Baraniuk said. “If it doesn’t fall within their small world of known diseases, then the patient is nuts.”

How many times have you watched a movie and then read the book and you imagine all the characters in the book as they are in the movie? I do. And if you feel the same way, just don’t. Don’t be scared if a lion is looking at you and the lion looks mighty hungry with that bib around its neck. Clearly the lion from that kid’s movie, Madagascar. What do you see if you read The Lion King?

You cannot not do something.

But now I face a terrible reality that I have known all along.

Eh. All broken up. The stomach is churning something awful. My attention is forced to the feeling. Then I twitch, pretty violently. That is new and concerning. But what the fuck am I supposed to do? My forehead and ears heat up like an oven. My ears feel like they have a bad sunburn.

Attention on my heartbeat.

Twitch.

Ah. I am done with this.

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