A letter to Amazon about that pesky problem

Dear Amazon,

Remember when no one knew you? Back in the Dark Ages of the Internet. With things like Myspace and Napster. Everyone was letting the dogs out and burning, not just toast either kid.

You were like the online bookstore that wanted to be a big kid but just was not ready.

Then eventually you grew up.

That free two-day shipping thing was pretty sweet.

And that is where the problem sets in. See, before, when you ordered something that was Prime, it was ready to go hotdog straight into the poop-chute of that rolling brown delivery truck. Straight to being placed onto of my plants, thrown over a fence, or left in a gutter. Their color suits them well.

But now. Now everything has changed.

Prime no longer means two-day shipping. It means two-day shipping, whenever we get around to it. Sometimes you even label

Now, you have your drones and your lockers. None of that impresses me city kids. I live out in the middle of one of the harshest deserts on Earth. Baghdad took a cue after my city, they have not perfected it, but they get points for effort. My desert is so bad even the lizards have long sleeves on. I saw a coyote with a can of sunscreen and what looked to be a cooler, but it could have been a reflection off of the giant dust tornado that forms for no reason.

But I digress.

Your shipping has turned to shit. That is if you can even get something not coming from China, not that I have a problem with it, other then all of the shit sucks. Have you tried any of it?

On second thought scratch that, the rich would never. That whole not shitting in your eating hole, or whatever the quote is. I think at least half of it is right.

Speaking of second thoughts, why the hell would I want to subscribe and save to 32 oz Eastwing hammers? Better than selecting two and having the price go from $34.99 to $572 + tax and shipping, on a three month back order all money up front plus first and last. You go through the options to… hammer… out the details.

Options are like opinions. And how about the deleting reviews. That is a fun one. I enjoy spending time going around and writing a review. What kind of madness do people have, like me of course, and where do you get the time for it? If something is great, I will throw some stars and a sentence. “Does what the fuck it is supposed to,” is a good one for me.

Then you have the shit products. I have a doozy of one, but that is a different letter. Needless to say, if you cull and control the votes, then you have lost all base. I cannot trust anything about you. Not that you hide it with this damn price increase. Oh no, do not consider GRANDFATHERING current members like a sensible company. I bet even the county landfill commission tax is grandfathering.

So these are some of the things off the top of my head that I cannot stand. At least Walmart is back on the battlefront to take back all this Amazon stuff. You want to be a native on the right side. My money is on that ol’ yellow ball zorro thing that flew around nearly murdering everyone in the store like a demented ghost from Mario Brothers. The old one.

So I will not continue my subPRIME membership for your breadcrumb trail that seems to get thinner and cut with woodchips

Thank you.