Satire News – Operation Arctic Rod

After decades of beating off in tents filled with people, one man set out on the ultimate journey, to jerk it confidently, knowing no one else was around to hear it. “The world is so full of people it is hard to get hard and let loose.”

Oregon’s unit became famous in 2007, based out of FOB Marez in Mosul Iraq, the site of the “Beat Sheet Street boogie,” a complex dance move to avoid the flying pearls of human artillery. He spent the next decade in his mother’s basement laboratory perfecting the techniques he has brought to the vast wasteland today.

Youtube footage shows Oregon apparently being hit by famous Antarctic wind gusts of 50+mph, centered only on his pants. “Weather can be weird and focused out here.” He was telling his seven penguin camera crew as a limp state flag was in the background shot.

How do penguins hold the cameras in their flippers? Superglue or straps?

Part of his decade-long slonging was to create an oven mitt that was designed to hold a sticky camera, together it created rock hard imagery. Finding a penguin that could do editing was an entirely different problem.

Technical challenges blocked full success during the trip. Despite years of operating in the worst portajohns that the Middle East had to offer, including stints of over 120F in full body armor on those days that the johns had not been cleaned in weeks, performing in the arctic clothing was a hindrance.

“I hope to run a GoFund me account so that I can hire someone to make me a special pair of arctic pants. Or maybe I could buy an Alaska tent, that worked in Afghanistan.”